When You Can't Tell a Friend
Sometimes words and people fail us, but God never does. On the psalms and honesty.
“God never objects his people coming to him honestly.” – Robert Godfrey
We all need someone to confess our struggles to. Maybe it’s a trusted friend. Maybe it’s a spouse. Maybe it’s a counselor or pastor. Maybe it’s a journal—or even social media. Perhaps more than ever, we live in a day where our desire to be known and upheld is resting on our sleeves for all around us to see. Humans have always had a deep need for solidarity, we just have more access to everyone else’s need these days, living in the age of the vulnerable.
But talk to enough people and you’ll find one common thread—people are helpful, but they always fall short. Your spouse shares your burdens to a limit, but the weight becomes too much. Your community group shares your struggles, but can’t be with you when the pain keeps you up at night. Social media feels cathartic, but at the end of the day, your followers won’t sit and weep with you.
People are great, but they have a capacity.
There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. There is an space for the deepest longings and greatest sorrows. We are made for community, that’s certain, but even our friends have a stopping point. They were never made to carry it all for us. And if we ask that of them, we’ll be disappointed. (And vice versa)
But God desires none of us to walk alone. So he’s given us an outlet.
In the psalms, we’re met with raw honesty. In the psalms, we hear from people who just need a friend. Consider Psalm 88 for a moment.
But I, O Lord, cry to you;
in the morning my prayer comes before you.
O Lord, why do you cast my soul away?
Why do you hide your face from me?
Afflicted and close to death from my youth up,
I suffer your terrors; I am helpless.[c]
Your wrath has swept over me;
your dreadful assaults destroy me.
They surround me like a flood all day long;
they close in on me together.
You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me;
my companions have become darkness.
And that’s how it ends.
I once read this psalm out loud for a podcast interview (I was talking about the psalms) and then let it sit for a moment. I asked the interviewer, “how would we respond if a friend talked to you this way?”
Of course, we want to believe we would be understanding. We want to believe we would weep with our friend. We want to believe that we would listen, letting them grieve.
But it can be hard to bear that weight fully. In our worst moments, we wind up like Job’s friends, looking for answers, but inflicting more damage. We swoop in with attempts at comfort, but there are no ears to hear and receive it.
Notice, though, that this psalm isn’t directed at a friend. In fact, the psalmist doesn’t have any friends here, at least he doesn’t feel like he does. His only friend is the dark abyss of his own soul. But he’s pouring out his heart somewhere, just not to a flesh and blood person.
Like Godfrey says, God doesn’t object to his people coming to him this way. If he did, he wouldn’t include it in holy scripture. It’s here because it’s meant to instruct us and encourage us.
This doesn’t remove the value of biblical community. We need friends. But we also need to understand that there are sorrows only God can bear, and there are words he’s given us when silence is all that comes out of us.
“God doesn’t object to his people coming to him honestly.” In fact, he welcomes it. And has given us 150 prayers to guide our joyful, grieving, thankful, depressed, and every feeling in between back to him every day of our lives.
*** I wrote Teach Me to Feel: Worshiping Through the Psalms in Every Season of Life for this very reason. I needed to see that God wasn’t surprised by my feelings, but I also wanted to show other Christians that the psalms are for them in every season. Fun fact: It releases in paperback on Friday!
If you’re asking what makes paperback different, that’s a great question! Besides price, it also includes discussion questions and additional psalms to study at the end of every chapter—making it perfect for a book club or women’s groups to study together. Costs less + extra features. Basically, you pay less for more.
On Friday, I’ll walk through how the psalms also teach us how to live (not just feel), so stay tuned—or become a paid subscriber so you don’t miss it. For just $5 a month you can get my bonus Friday posts delivered right to your inbox. I’ve also got some extra December content coming that I’ll talk about next week!